He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
