Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
