At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
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If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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