She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
