Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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