You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize