i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
