there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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