I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
