im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my shit smells like andre
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
