remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
