so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
