next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
