your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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