Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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