I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
