He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I need water and some morals
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