I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Ketchup is God's man juice
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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