I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
