I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
