you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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