It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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