I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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