the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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