Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
