moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
