Where did you get a picture of my penis
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
