I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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