my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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