The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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