Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
