you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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