Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
