I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
They have beer where we have blood.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
