I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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