Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Enjoy the penises
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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