the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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