I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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