On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
