Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
