Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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