Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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