he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
