Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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