i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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