I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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