i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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