My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
