I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
