I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
