This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
