He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
