i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
