I saw his package. It spoke to me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My vagina just recognized that song.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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