I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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