I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
